a tricky thing

"Then the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'"

- Luke 15

Forgiveness, I think, is a tricky thing.

For those of us who follow Christ, we all know that we should do it. I mean, he died on a cross to do it for us, after all. Yet when it comes to actually practising it, I find forgiving to be much, much harder, especially when we've been deeply hurt.

Personally, I experienced this when a close friend broke my trust. Granted, our friendship had waned somewhat by the time that happened, but he was still one of the first guys that I would call after returning home for vacation (I was away at college during that time). Yet, while I was away, one day I received an email from him telling me that he had taken action to fulfill his own desires, even though in doing so he drastically changed my life.

Some months after the fact, we had a long, good conversation, and he said that he was sorry. I think he may have even asked for forgiveness. I remember being glad that night that we were able to take some steps to put this behind us. The next morning, however, I awoke with a knot still in my stomach. I wondered how one conversation could erase the pain that he caused me. Honestly, it didn't seem to me that he really got how deeply I was hurting, and how much he was the cause of that.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing.

I think one thing that helps me now is understanding the radicality of agape (completely unconditional and voluntary) love. The good news of the cross is that through it (Christ's willingness to take on human form, to live with us, to take on our punishment) we see that God loves us not because of how worthy we are to be loved, but because he chooses to. Governors and presidents grant pardons with their signatures. God granted our pardon with his life, and he did so whole-heartedly, more than willingly.

I can say now that my friend and I are close...maybe even closer than we were before everything went down. I don't know how much he had to go through, but for me, I was able to slowly (it took about 7 years) let go of the hurt as I began to see both of us the way God saw us: both deeply flawed, but both creations that he deeply loved and wanted to rescue. Yes, I could have fought till the end, proving my case, proving how right I was, tearing down his character to everyone around us. But being right matters so little when you know just how wrong you really can be.

Being right matters so little when you are loved more than your imagination can contain.